From Fancy Pants to Getting There

Who got caught up in a factory's parcel sealing machine and became bound up like an Egyptian mummy? Who trashed her unfaithful partner's shiny car? Who had to cope with cockroaches in the carpet and holes in the ceiling when working in a sandwich bar? Who tried to keep a pet shop clean with a balding broom, grubby duster and disintegrating dustpan and brush? Elizabeth Wright's comfortable world shattered and spiralled downwards when she discovered that her partner of twelve years was being unfaithful on an industrial scale and her once thriving business toppled into a financial black hole. Bankruptcy was the only option. Left with nothing, apart from a house deep into negative equity, and a rust riddled nightmare of a car, she and her little girl were forced to accept an impoverished lifestyle, where money for food would only stretch to tinned spaghetti, potatoes and cheap baked beans that 'looked and tasted like rabbit droppings.' She amusingly recounts how she tried to find a job, but age and lack of modern skills made this difficult. Employment in a pet and garden shop taught her the true meaning of skinflint as the penny-pinching owner could well have been Scrooge reincarnated. Invited to his surprise 40th birthday party, she found the celebrations included a visit from a sexy, curvy, Kissogram girl, who suggestively shed her miniscule western outfit and most of her underwear. A touch of bondage and a strategically placed red rose added to the entertainment. Working in a sandwich bar she had to cope with suicidal flies falling into the mayonnaise dishes, and large cockroaches emerging from under the carpets. A couple of local drunks had a fight, using newly baked loaves as weapons of war. Growing her own food seemed a good idea, but competition came in the shape of thieving blackbirds that ate all the strawberries and an army of slugs and snails devoured anything else. There was an invite to a wedding, where one of the tiny bridesmaids got her head stuck in the hotel railings. A visit to a donkey sanctuary for bags of fresh manure came to an abrupt and smelly halt on the busy A22 when a suicidal male pheasant strutted out in front of the car. Sexy sessions with a handsome young man, 20 years her junior, brought such physical delights, that, 'I never thought that I'd be able to walk with my knees together again.' Dog sitting looked a good prospect until Elizabeth visited her first clients and had to put distance between herself and the scabby, flea riddled Beagles, whose eccentric, dishevelled male owner seemed to have problems with a downward sliding trouser zip. A visit to a car auction, looking for another vehicle, taught her that it is more important to bid for a vehicle with a good engine than choose one 'because I liked the colour.' Invited out by pensioner Charlie, dressed to impress was wasted as his vehicle turned out to be a dirty old van that broke down, dinner was chips in a bag, entertainment was greyhound racing at the dog track and 'the surprise' was having to fight off his fumbles down a country lane. Then the van got stuck in the mud... The job front looked up, the income improved, life seemed great until the Bankruptcy Trustees decided that Elizabeth's house, which was well into positive equity, should be sold and all the creditors paid up. How did Elizabeth cope with the prospect of having no home and still keep her sense of humour...?