Longpork Deli

Six days ago, the Longpork Deli didn't exist. Today it has a line out the door, a 4.9-star average, and a walk-in refrigerator with a hole in the floor that leads somewhere no health code has ever covered.

Desmond Vale used to be a health inspector - before he found something under a buffet that ended his career and nearly his marriage. Now he's back on the trail of the only thing worse than a bad Yelp review: a sandwich shop feeding its customers straight into the appetite of something ancient, patient, and extremely particular about marbling.

He'll need his ex-wife. Dr. Marlena Vale-Oxby can tell you an animal's age, diet, and final emotions from six inches of tissue - and she left Desmond the night he found God's mistake under a sneeze-guard. But there's a rift under a deli counter, a boning knife that hums, and a lunch rush counting down, and some doors only close if the right two people close them together.

The Longpork Deli is a gleefully overwrought, wildly cheesy horror-comedy about appetite, exes, and exactly how far a very good Reuben can go. Come hungry. Leave early.