Scapegoat

For forty years I was in a trance. A gaslight manipulated haze of misery. As the scapegoated daughter of narcissistic alcoholic parents, I lived in a constant haze of confusion, self-loathing, anxiety, and people pleasing. All for reasons I could not grasp. This story is a raw and real firsthand account of what life was like with my parents. These people that never loved me but were good at pretending they did. The horrific epic finale that unfolded for my alcohol-soaked parents finally woke me up the truth. The hard truth of the sickness of Narcissism that feeds alcoholism. The sickness I was always defenseless against. The truth of my life with them, the chaotic events, and the painful process I went through to let them go. Choosing myself and my happiness once and for all. Going no-contact and letting my parents go forever was the hardest thing I have ever done. It felt like mourning their death, but they were still alive. I finally realized continuing to play my part in their life might just kill me. I chose my own happiness, my own life. I chose to break the ancestral chains of abuse they had tied around my neck and doing so triggered my spiritual awakening. They are gone from my life now. I chose myself, my husband, and my baby girls. Love is what I finally decided on. Love for myself and a life without their unending pain. Pain I had to heal so it didn't trickle down on my children. I wrote it all down. The insane details that I have remembered. For me, and for you. If you feel crazy, upset, and lost because of the actions or inactions of your parents, I assure you, you are not alone, and if I can heal, so can you.